Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
