apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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