I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
