Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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