at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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