he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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