soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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