dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
