Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
