Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
