Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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