You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
