it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
