My first STD was from a foam party
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
