Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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