I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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