She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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