Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
