I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
