I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
