i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
