addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
