Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
