Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
