'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
