My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
