Banned from zoo.
Again?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
