You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
