If i come over, it means nothing
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
