When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
