I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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