I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
