He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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