I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
