I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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