I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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