So drunk its hurt
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
