i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
