She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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