just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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