I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Farmville is her only friend.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
