I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
