Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
the raccoons are back...
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