Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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