I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
