The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
