she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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