Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
