I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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