I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
